Posts tagged Life

Diambil tanpa tedeng aling aling dari http://www.axioo.com/blog/2009/05/28/till-death-do-us-part

“All about Andy” by Mirari

For those who haven’t known me,
My name is Mirari, Andreas wife for 22 months and three days, his best friend for 8 years. I met him, 8 years ago at church on a coffee table. Andreas is a friendly person, who like to embrace new incomer, and I was lucky enough to be greeted by him, and how he then invited me to meet some more people and introduce me to his bible study friends. Then the friendships grows into love… It was just beautiful at His time.

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On Friday morning at 11.24, Andreas had his first heart attack, he wrote to me a message on my cellular:
“I’m at the office babe, want to get my purse that I forgot in car, but as I walked back from car to the office, I had a hyperventilation attack, I was sweating, but 10 minutes later was normal. My tummy is gassy mm.. I had to lie down on the floor and calm down, deep breaths, nobody in office knows, coz I’m still having the hyperventilation attack if I’m too vigorous, chest pain.”

But since the signal is bad at the hospital part where I work, I didn’t get it, until around two when I stepped out the building. I was so shock when I heard the news, I tell you, I regret big time, that I think I should ran to him straight away and bring him to doctor. I offered to take him that afternoon to the doctor that he didn’t refuse.

But another shocking news is, actually, I just found out yesterday from church friends that Andreas went to office church that very moment, to say hi to church friends, do some library work (my husband is the head of church librarian), fixing some church computer, and have lunch with the staff. He ordered gado2 his favorite dish. Strangely he didn’t tell me about it, we both tell each other what we are doing as day goes by.

I did wonder why, maybe he knows me so well, that if he told me, knowing he had this attack, I would have stopped him to go church. But going to church to do what he had to do, is what he intended to in his last time.

To that I did not regret that he didn’t tell me. No, instead I’m proud of him, that he set a good example to all of us, that he has fight his battle to the end, he win the race, he ignore his physical pain, just to serve his Father.

Andreas has been serving in many ministry, he helped to manage the church library, prepare for printing of church hands out, he was in music ministry, puppet ministry, Sunday school teacher, helped me in orphanage ministry and best of all, his husband ministry to me.
Around 4pm Friday, I was on my way to pick him up, and arrived at a hospital. He seemed okay, just looked tired, we chat as normal, and he even was busy playing sally’s spa a game on my ipod as we were waiting to see the doctor. He asked me how was my day going, just normal conversation. No hints of pain, his eyes are just cheerful as before.

After that, time ran so fast, it went from bad to worse. I would like to skip the part, as that’s the most painful fact, doctor said, there is a heart injury, not yet, infarct, but need a special care. Andy was found it disbelieve, he looked at me and asked, why are you so sad? is it that bad? It can’t be right? Shortly we were ready to take him to different hospital with better expert for his treatment. We stopped by at home on the way to pack up his clothes.
I told him that he need to rest and just sit down on the table, I begged him, but I remember he was pushing me, hushing me upstairs to our room and said, “look at me, I’m fine..just walk..go, go” while pushing me with his arm to go up.

That was THE BIG regret in my life that I should have pinned him down, and tied him to the chair downstairs. He insisted to company me and there upstairs he collapsed. He went into fit, I screamed like hell, and called my mum in law. It happened so fast, that I don’t even think I’m ready to share that horror night to you right now. It was just too fast. I saw him stopped breathing, no pulses, eyes closed.

Being a doctor, doing a CPR to your own loved one is just something you don’t want to do, nor remember, it’s just horrible. I can taste blood mixed with froth on his lips, I banged at his chest, I didn’t think I did a good CPR, it was just mixed between screaming and crying desperately want to bring him back. I told him, focus hunny, just don’t leave me yet..please..i beg you.. God, I beg you give him chance. And he opened his eyes. That night was a night of miracle. He was so calm, and just back to normal Andy except that he had oxygen tube on his nose. Cardiologist said that his situation is under control, he is young so he can fight. He basically has his second chance of life, as normally those who had this attack won’t pass that horrible night. Now it make sense to me, that God grants me that time, for him to be ‘stable’ again, so that I can showed my love to him and had a good memory of him.

According to his ECG results, which were just separated between 2 hours, doctor said it was so much different between the two. It shows the heart condition went from bad to worse. It’s like when you have a sprain ankle. It’s just an injury, but when you forced to run 50metres with that ankle, you may break your ankle and even leg.

Questions and regret fill me, had he not go to the 2nd floor with me, he would still be with me now. But why? Why didn’t I rebels his order to trust him that he was okay and want to company me. Why?

I blame myself a lot…a lot and a lot..
But, yesterday as I walked back to the empty room, our room that we designed together, I walked the same steps we walked, I can feel him pushing me to go up, I remember him holding my hand. At that night, I thought of him as stubborn, but now, I just realize that he want to live up his memory with me, in our room, in our library on the 2nd floor… he didn’t want me to feel lonely but remember him as a loving and unselfish, supporting husband. Most of all he wants me to remember him as a strong husband. And He is for me, he is my hero, my soul mate, my lover, my everything.

On Saturday morning before he entered the angiography room, I read him psalm 91, he listened carefully, and he smiled at me, telling me, he loves me, and sorry that he is sick and not strong for me. He asked me if I still love him despite his condition. I told him, of course I still do..of course, and you’ll get better I told him. I kissed him..on his head,… told him I love him and to that he smiled and I took his photo, turned to be his last picture with smile. I let him go to angiography room. There he had another cardiac arrest, the blockage was in his crucial heart artery, it’s worse than the cardiologist had expected. When I heard they were giving him dopamine, giving him this and that medicine, I knew he’s not well..i ran outside and I screamed, I cried in disbelief…

The doctor had to put him to sleep, so that his lung and tense heart muscle can rest. Then they decide to call the heart surgeon for emergency heart surgery. But the team then decided to let the heart rest for some more hours before they do the operation. They told me, after that turmoil, his condition was under control.
But he never made it into the operation theatre, Jesus called him that very afternoon on Saturday 23rd of May at 3.30. The good thing is, he never has to go through the pain of surgery knife, and the doctor to cut open his chest.

I never left the hospital for as long as he was there…but just when the doctor said he was stable, and I thought he was under control, I decided to go out to refresh my face, change clothes, so that I want him to see me fresh up.

He told me the night before, why you looked so tired hunny? Why you looked so sad? So I promised not to. The voice was so strong, telling me above my hesitant that I should leave hospital for a bit, just to be refreshed and be back strong and clean for him.
but just when I left.. he slipped away from me, he didn’t even want me to see his departure. My dad called my mum who accompanied me, and asked me to go back to hospital.

Just maybe not even 1 km I left the hospital..i went back, I ran back to the ICU and I found no more heart beeping sign in the machine, Blood pulse 0….straigth line.. and another life resuscitation was taken this time with all doctors and team involved… Medically, I understand the situation, I screamed, I was angry, frustrated, I was mad at him for not fighting for me…I told the team not to stop pumping…the room was filled with people singing and praising God. I just got angrier, that’s not how it should be,. we should do more medical intervention..noo..no.. I got very upset. I got very mad because Andreas dedication song for me in our wedding is: I want to grow old with you (Adam Sandler). I was mad..extremely.. mad to God, mad to doctors…mad to myself…mad to the stupid respiratory machine… Suddenly I felt so weak…I couldn’t hold it..my world is broken down into pieces.

I lost my mind, i could only remember my parents hold me tight. Hugging me, pulling me from the bed when I climbed the bed.
One by one people told me to let him go…let him go.. So..there he has gone..forever. Yet, I didn’t let the nurse to take out the tube of breathing support from him, I still want to remember his chest moving up and down, as I slept next to his stiff body, his head and his body was still warm, but his eyes are empty..i grieved.. I cried..I kissed him over and over…as much as I could before I know his body will go cold… And I just want to be there..just there…on his right side, as we are lying on bed at night, how I stared at him when he sleep. He was just sleeping I thought..

You know, Andreas told me, he will take me to Vancouver this July for our 2nd year wedding anniversary… We had our honeymoon in Banff Canada, so it would be great memory, to that I haven’t even had time to said yes.. but..now, if he asked me would I go to where he is now..i would.

Now, this is how I remember Andy,
At home, he is a loving, unselfish husband, he has been the most important person in my life, he’s supporting to my career, he has been the best friend I’ve ever had. Words can’t express my feeling right now when I want to name all the best characters in him. You know, we are the great traveling buddies. Together, we have traveled to many places, Rome, Italy, many parts of germany netherland, Austria, Netherland, France, Belgium, Canada, States, Vietnam, Greece, Bali, Menado… and many more… we read lonely planet together, we have collections of the books. Only this one very trip he has to go first…to heaven and left me behind, but I’ll catch up. To that I ponder…, I realize, that Jesus has given ticket to him to heaven, just him without me. I can’t buy that ticket, it’s given,.. Yes, nothing I can do to win that ticket except to accept his salvation and live at best.

I want Jesus to find me and give me that precious ticket to sit next to him again.
When Jesus? How Jesus? Tell me, I’ll pack up and go next to my husband companying him in his journey to that beautiful place.
Being a doctor, I have seen many death, many life saving effort, as the matter of fact, that’s what we trained as, to save life… but this time I can’t save him, and I don’t need too, Andy is in his eternal life with his father, I have to let him go.

Trust me, I can only write here, but I don’t know how I will find strength to put myself together, reality is suck!
The pain of separation is unbearable, but slowly, a baby step at a time, I want to live my life at best, want to introspect my self, want to be a better person, want to follow Andy’s steps, and read the most complete version of lonely planet : “the Holly bible”, whatever..i can do, so the HE found me, and grant me this ticket to sit next to him.

These past 2 nights without him, I slept at the same bed side as he always sleep, I hug his sleeping pijama, where I can still smell him, I used his toothbrush, his watch and glasses still on the table, his work, his bible, his book, his gadget, his bb, his playstation, everything he left…as if he’s gone just for a short period, a jogging perhaps, and will come back soon. I am expecting his call, am expecting his kisses at night, his hugs, and smile.
But I know, days will go pass, and dust will cover his belongings… but he will never text me, email me, hugs me, kiss me anymore.
Now, that will always be only kept in my heart… We made our vow to each other. We memorized our part, and in front of the altar we promised to take care of each other, we are one flesh! He’s in me, I am in him. We are soul mate. Till death do us part. (Aaaahhhhh..it’s not just a line. Damn it… It’s real!!!! It’s real…it’s real). This is it??

So now when my other half is gone, please do understand that I need to go through this grieve period. I know some of you want me to smile, want me to be happy, I will..i will, but I need to grieve just for sometime, as I just lost a part of me. Otherwise I never can never face my life, I will be empty and just lost hope. I need to gather my strength, and understand my situation now, and ask God, what He wants me to do now.
You never can’t imagine the pain of separation I have now. You don’t want to stand here in my position waving so long to your loved one, to see his cold body, his ignorance to my call, his stiff hands doesn’t hold mine, and soon when they close the cascade, I do not know when to see him again. TRUST ME, YOU DON’T!!!!!!!!!!

Asuk, mami, mama, papa, sisters, brothers, family and friends…
One thing I know that Andy would love to say this to you, that he loves you all.
He would hug you and smile and humbly said: thank you for coming..
Mama/papa, Andy has prepared a trip for your wedding anniversary, you must take it. He loves you both. Sorry, that Andreas and I can not give the grandchildren you want.

Asuk/Mami, please love each other…asuk protect and love mom and Sam, as best as you can, spend more time with them including Connie/Nick and grandchildren who is far away. Thank you mum, for raising up such a great guy like him, and let me love him and serve him at the short time.
Connie, so sorry that we have such a short time together last October.
Believe me, Andy wants to visit you this July, he told me that he hasn’t spent enough time with you. He is not going to make it this July, but please remember the thought that he loves and think of you in special way.

Cousins, keep on playing badminton, even though he’s not there, Ko yang yang, ko Aries, Chai… Ko Siung2, thank you for being his closest friends and share with him the gadget talk and shared his stories.
Sam family, please stay in harmony and in peace. Andreas is a peaceful maker, he never hold his grudges to any bad sayings or wrong accusations, he said..it’s okay, let’s be positive, let’s love each other. He loves all his uncles/aunties, from First uncle, until the last aunty..never once he said bad about you guys.
He taught me how to love and value extended family, and respect you guys.

Staffs, thank you for working with him and serve him when he is still sitting on that cubicles, giving you calls and commands. But I’ve learnt that he’s a great boss at work, he never forget to said thank you, and he doesn’t mind to listen to their stories when they were venting.
Church friends, college and high school friends, thank you for being great friends to him, to love him and offer the friendship. Please continue to pray for me, I need your support to go through the days. I hate the night-time since the memory of him is so fresh, and I felt a great lost, but am glad when the day come, when I’m surrounded by love and encouragement knowing that I’m not alone.

Betsy, you will find soul mate as great Andy that God think suit for you, you will.
Grace/Tilo, grab the opportunity to receive Jesus’s salvation, our time is precious. Andreas always pray for you Tilo, you don’t know, but he does.
Samuel/Merlin, love each other the best you can… Merlin, love Sam when God still allows you. Sam, you too… follow your brother’s example, he is the best loving husband I’ve ever had. He loves you, and tried to set a good example of big brother.

As the matter of fact, now, I’d like to encourage you husband and wife, to hug each other, maybe now, maybe later, tell them every night, before go to bed…that you love them… as Andreas and I always do… because we never know God’s time. Yes, I do envy you who still can hold hands and receive kisses from your husbands when you are sad (perhaps after you are reading this letter), but it’s okay, I can only be content with Andreas imaginary hugs right now. He’s right here somewhere with me. Give me strength and comfort to finish the lines.
Husband, download the song: “I’ll take care of you” by Steve curtis chapman. Andreas has won my heart by playing his song…. He’s taking care for me from afar now.

It is a dark night now, but we must be prepared for the morning. There will be light in the morning, there will be crowds of happiness, a reunion, we will be called up and meet our beloved one who has gone before us.

Life is so short, this is a serious fact, trust me.

Nobody know, how long we are still allowed to stand here, and how or which way God will pick us up, and where He will place us. I can’t tell how will I die, when, nor when will you be die… I know it’s so scary, but trust me, it’s real. None of us know. Life is just like a dust.
But, If we want to be at the same trip to Andy, we must do better in our lives, and accept Jesus precious gift to save your life. As God add years to your life, ask Him also to give Life to your years…may it be meaningful life, as Andy has. He has won the race. He got straight A, GPA of 4.0, Suma Cum laude! he passed and graduated this class, he left this learning class of planet earth, and enjoy his reward.

I love your dearly hunny, I miss you dearly, if only I can exchange these hundreds of emails, greetings, phone calls, sms-es, hugs…with just one hug and one last word from you…if only I could….If…
As a good friend of Andy, Ken said, “there is a big hole in my heart that can’t be replaced by anyone but Andy, but it will stay next to bunch of good memories I have with him”

But hunny, I will do my best to live a life so that Jesus find me and place me next to you…soon, very soon… to change this mourning into Joy.
As I read to Andy this verse, I will reread again to you.
“Those who live in the shelter of the Most High, will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.”
Let us remember him in any way he has influenced your life.
See you later husband, see you later soul-mate.

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All these while our blogs shows so many happy moments of couples in love. That’s refreshing. But last weekend, we’ve just realized that life is more than that. Life is short. Life has its moments. Happy, sad, hopeful, despair, triumphs and lost all mixed together, without us knowing which sequence is next.

The sudden lost of our friend Andreas (Andy or AZ) last weekend was heart breaking. We knew him for a while, not only as our client, our supplier but also our friend. His cheerful jokes and kindness is contagious to those around him. Being with him for a while makes you feel special. Our condolences to Mirari and his family, may God’s grace and strength be with you always. Please scroll down and read “All about Andy” by Mirari, take your time to read this note and remember to love.

Below are some pics of Andreas and Mirari on their wedding day. It’s a wake up call for us to cherish our loved ones, shower them with love every single day, till death do us part. Coz we’ll never know when our time is up.