Indonesian ( Life ) Blogger
Laughs
Where are you from?
0An usher in a very posh theater noticed a man sprawled across three seats. ”Sorry, sir,” the usher said, “but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The man groaned but didn’t budge.
The usher became impatient and said, ”Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, “All right buddy,” the manager said, ”what’s your
name?” ”Sam,” the man moaned.
”Where did you come from, Sam?”
With pain in his voice, Sam replied, ”The balcony.”
Zodiak Horoscope
0Ini ada sedikit keterangan atas bintang/zodiak/horoskopmu. Boleh percaya boleh tidak. Semua keputusan adalah hasil pemikiran dan tanggung jawab anda sendiri.
Aries
Zodiac Symbol: Ram
Birth Dates (Tropical): March 21 – April 19
Birth Dates (Sidereal): April 15 – May 15
Birth Dates (Solar): April 19 – May 13
Constellation: Aries
Zodiac Element: Fire
Zodiac Quality: Cardinal
Body Part: Head and Face
Domicile: Mars
Detriment: Venus
Exaltation: Sun
Fall: Saturn
Birthstone: Diamond
Colours: Red, White
Numbers: Three and Five
Virgo
Zodiac Symbol: Virgin
Birth Dates (Tropical): August 23 – September 22
Birth Dates (Sidereal): September 16 – October 15
Birth Dates (Solar): September 16 – October 30
Constellation: Virgo
Zodiac Element: Earth
Zodiac Quality: Mutable
Body Part: Shoulders and Toes
Domicile: Mercury
Detriment: Jupiter
Exaltation: Mercury
Fall: Venus
Birthstone: Sapphire
Colours: Navy Blue and Gray
Numbers: Five and Eight
Day: Monday
Gemstones: Pink Jasper, Sapphire, Rhodochrosite
Metal: Gold
Capricorn
Zodiac Symbol: Goat
Birth Dates (Tropical): December 22 – January 20
Birth Dates (Sidereal): January 15 – February 14
Birth Dates (Solar): January 19 – February 15
Constellation: Capricornus
Zodiac Element: Earth
Zodiac Quality: Cardinal
Body Part: Knees and Skeleton
Domicile: Saturn
Detriment: Aphrodite
Exaltation: Mars
Fall: Jupiter
Birthstone: Garnet
Colours: Dark Green, Burnt Orange
Numbers: Five and Eight
Day: Monday
Gemstones: Onyx, Quartz, Beryl, Garnet, Obsidian
Metal: Gold, Silver
Gemini
Zodiac Symbol: Twins
Birth Dates (Tropical): May 21 – June 20
Birth Dates (Sidereal): June 16 – July 15
Birth Dates (Solar): June 20 – July 20
Constellation: Gemini
Zodiac Element: Air
Zodiac Quality: Mutable
Body Part: Shoulders, Hips, Eyes
Domicile: Mercury
Detriment: Jupiter
Exaltation: None
Fall: Hephaestus
Birthstone: Agate, Alexandrite
Colours: Yellow, Red, White
Numbers: Two and Nine
Day: Tuesday
Gemstones: Emerald, Alexandrite, Beryl, Pearl
Metal: Gold, Silver
Leo
Zodiac Symbol: Lion
Birth Dates (Tropical): July 23 – August 22
Birth Dates (Sidereal): August 17 – September 16
Birth Dates (Solar): August 10 – September 15
Constellation: Leo
Zodiac Element: Fire
Zodiac Quality: Fixed
Body Part: Heart and Spine
Domicile: Sun
Detriment: Mars
Exaltation: Jupiter
Fall: None
Birthstone: Ruby
Colours: Gold, Orange
Numbers: Two and Seven
Day: Sunday
Gemstones: Ruby
Metal: Gold
Aquarius
Zodiac Symbol: Water Carrier
Birth Dates (Tropical): January 20 – February 19
Birth Dates (Sidereal): February 15 – March 14
Birth Dates (Solar): February 16 – March 11
Constellation: Aquarius
Zodiac Element: Air
Zodiac Quality: Excitement
Body Part: Feet, Fins, Elbows
Domicile: Saturn (or Uranus)
Detriment: Sun
Exaltation: Mercury (Modern astrology)
Fall: Mars
Birthstone: Garnet, Amethyst
Colours: Light Blue, Yellow, Orange
Numbers: Six and Eight
Day: Tuesday
Gemstones: Sapphire, Lapis, Topaz, Beryl
Metal: Brass
Scorpio
Zodiac Symbol: Scorpion
Birth Dates (Tropical): October 23 – November 21
Birth Dates (Sidereal): November 16 – December 15
Birth Dates (Solar): November 23 – November 29
Constellation: Scorpius
Zodiac Element: Water
Zodiac Quality: Fixed
Body Part: Reproductive system
Domicile: Pluto, Mars
Detriment: Venus
Exaltation: Uranus (Modern astrology)
Fall: Moon
Birthstone: Topaz
Colours: Red, Black
Numbers: Three and Five
Day: Tuesday
Gemstones: Garnet, Ruby, Zircon, Opal
Metal: Gold, Silver
Cancer
Zodiac Symbol: Crab
Birth Dates (Tropical): June 21 – July 22
Birth Dates (Sidereal): July 16 – August 15
Birth Dates (Solar): July 21 – August 9
Constellation: Cancer
Zodiac Element: Water
Zodiac Quality: Cardinal
Body Part: Breasts, Stomach
Domicile: Moon
Detriment: Saturn
Exaltation: Jupiter
Fall: Mars
Birthstone: Pearl, Moonstone
Colours: Silver, White, Sea Green
Numbers: Four and Five
Day: Saturday
Gemstones: Ruby, Moonstone, Pearl
Metal: Silver
Libra
Zodiac Symbol: Scales or Balance
Birth Dates (Tropical): September 23 – October 22
Birth Dates (Sidereal): October 16 – November 15
Birth Dates (Solar): October 31 – November 22
Constellation: Libra
Zodiac Element: Air
Zodiac Quality: Cardinal
Body Part: Kidneys and Lumbar
Domicile: Venus
Detriment: Mars
Exaltation: Saturn
Fall: Taurus
Birthstone: Opal, Quartz
Colours: Pink ,Blue, Lavender
Numbers: Four and Seven
Day: Friday
Gemstones: Opal, Fire Agate, Agate, Tourmaline
Metal: All metals
Sagittarius
Zodiac Symbol: Archer
Birth Dates (Tropical): November 22 – December 21
Birth Dates (Sidereal): December 16 – January 14
Birth Dates (Solar): December 18 – January 18
Constellation: Sagittarius
Zodiac Element: Fire
Zodiac Quality: Mutable
Body Part: Hips and Thighs
Domicile: Jupiter
Detriment: Mercury
Exaltation: None
Fall: Dionysus
Birthstone: Topaz
Colours: Orange, Red, Teal
Numbers: Two and Five
Day: Wednesday
Gemstones: Amethyst, Malachite, Zircon, Turquoise
Metal: Silver, Gold, Copper
Pisces
Zodiac Symbol: Fish
Birth Dates (Tropical): February 19 – March 20
Birth Dates (Sidereal): March 15 – April 14
Birth Dates (Solar): March 12 – April 18
Constellation: Pisces
Zodiac Element: Water
Zodiac Quality: Mutable
Body Part: Feet, Hands, and Heart
Domicile: Jupiter and Neptune
Detriment: Mercury
Exaltation: Venus
Fall: Mercury
Birthstone: Aquamarine
Colours: Pale Green, Silver, Pink
Numbers: Four and Nine
Day: Sunday
Gemstones: Amethyst, Emerald, Aquamarine
Metal: Platinum
Taurus
Zodiac Symbol: Bull
Birth Dates (Tropical): April 20 – May 21
Birth Dates (Sidereal): May 15 – June 14
Birth Dates (Solar): May 14 – June 19
Constellation: Taurus
Zodiac Element: Earth
Zodiac Quality: Might
Body Part: Neck, Throat
Domicile: Venus
Detriment: Mars
Exaltation: Moon
Fall: Uranus
Birthstone: Lapis Lazuli
Colours: Green, Pale Blue, Mauve
Numbers: One and Six
Day: Thursday
Gemstones: Lapis, Azurite, Diamond
Metal: Silver, Gold, Copper
Dua Minggu
0Seorang turis Amerika berlibur ke Cina. Ketika di Cina, ia bermain dengan wanita nakal tanpa memakai kondom. Seminggu kemudian, ia pulang ke AS dan menemukan alat vitalnya diselimuti lingkaran-lingkaran warna hijau dan ungu. Dengan ketakutan ia segera pergi ke dokter. Dokter yang kebingungan, karena belum pernah melihat hal ini, melakukan sejumlah tes dan mengatakan bahwa hasil tes akan diketahui dua hari lagi.
Turis tersebut kembali lagi dua hari kemudian dan dokternya berkata: “Berita buruk. Nama penyakit anda adalah Mongolian VD. Sangat langka dan hampir tidak pernah terdengar disini. Kami hanya tahu sangat sedikit mengenai penyakit ini.” Si turis kebingungan dan menjawab: “Ya… diapain deh dok, terserah… pokoknya cepat sembuh.” Jawab si dokter, “Maaf, sampai saat ini belum diketahui metode penyembuhan yang tepat. Rasanya kami harus mengamputasi alat vital anda.” Si turis berteriak ketakutan, “Enak ajah! Nggak boleh! Aku mau cari doker lain!” Jawab si dokter: “Yaaa.. terserah, silahkan saja, tapi operasi amputasi adalah jalan satu-satunya.”
Maka besoknya si turis mencari dokter Cina, dengan harapan setidaknya dia tahu sesuatu mengenai penyakit ini. Si dokter Cina memeriksanya dan berkata “Penyakit anda langka looo, ini namanya Mongolian VD, aaaa.” Si turis kesal dan menjawab: “Iya.. saya tahu, tapi apa bisa disembuhkan? Dokter Amerika kemarin bilang kalau satu-satunya cara dioperasi dan diamputasi, bener nggak sih?”
Dokter Cina itu tertawa dan menggelengkan kepala, “Aiyaaa.. doktel Amelika wodoh aaaa… selalu pingin bikin duit, aaa…. opelasi sini, opelasi sana… nggak pellu opelasi ooo,…!” Si turis bahagia “Waaaaaa… untung…. untung….”
“Nggak usah takut laaa… tunggu dua minggu, nanti juga putus sendili ooo, nggak pellu bayal-bayal buat opelasi….”
Titit dan Pantat
1Seorang pemerkosa dihukum cambuk di pantatnya sebanyak 300 kali. Si pantat lantas protes dan berkata pada si Titit: “Sialan loe Titit, loe yang enak, tapi gue yang sakit kena getahnya. Si Titit gak mau kalah lalu menjawab: “Gue sich cuma liat-liat, lha loe yang dorong-dorong gue!”
Surprise
0Sepasang suami istri baru menikah, si suami ingin memberikan surprise pada istrinya, suatu hari si suami berkata kepada istrinya: “Sayang, kita pergi yuk, tapi mata kamu harus ditutup yah…!” “Kok harus ditutup sih mas…?” kata istrinya “Yah, pokoknya ada sesuatu untukmu…..” Merekapun berangkat dengan menggunakan taxi, begitu sampe di tempat yang dituju mereka turun, kemudian si suami mengajak istrinya masuk ke rumah baru yang dijadikan sebagai surprise untuk istriya, tapi si suami masih belum mengijinkan istrinya membuka tutup mata.
Ternyata si istri ingin buang angin, tapi karena masih malu sama suaminya si istri pura-pura minta tolong dibikinin minuman : “Mas, ambilin saya minum dong…!”
Suaminya kemudian pergi mengembil minuman, ketika suaminya pergi si istri buang angin “tuuuut..” Pas si suami datang membawa minuman, ternyata si istri masih ingin buang angin, akhirnya dia bilang ke suaminya … “Mas minumannya kurang manis, tambahin gula lagi yah….” Si suami pergi lagi untuk menambahkan gula pada minuman istrinya, ketika suaminya pergi si istri kentut lagi “tuuuuuut….” Kemudian si suami datang lagi untuk memberikan minuman, tapi ternyata si istri masih ingin buang angin, akhirnya dengan berberat hati si istri minta ditambahkan gula lagi, saat suami pergi istrinya kembali buang angin “Tuuuuut”
Akhirnya si istri merasa lega karena telah selesai dari keinginan buang anginnya. Ketika si suami tiba dan menyerahkan minuman, kemudian si suami membuka tutup mata si istrinya, si istri terkejut karena ternyata di rumah sudah banyak orang dan disampingnya ada mertuanya, sambil malu-malu si istri bertanya pada mertuanya “Oh Bapak, sudah lama datang..?” Kemudian sang mertua menjawab, “Sudah, sejak kentutan pertama nak…”
Philosophy from George Carlin
0- Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
- Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?
- If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him…is he still wrong?
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?”
- Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
- If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
- How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
- How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
- Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
- Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- If God dropped acid, would he see people?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
- If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?
- Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- Where are we going? And what’s with this handbasket?
- If the “blackbox” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
- If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
Boss N Secretary
0A business executive named Witherspoon went on a convention and took along his secretary. They arrived at the hotel very late in the evening and were told that all the rooms were taken except one, and it was a single.
“No problem,” replied Mr. Witherspoon, “just put a cot in there for me and we’ll share the room.
A few moments after Mr. W. and the secretary had gotten into their respective beds, the secretary sheepishly asked, “Mr. Witherspoon, it’s awfully cold tonight, would you mind getting up and shutting the window?”
The boss replied, “Well, let’s see, if you’re cold, how would you like to pretend that you’re MRS. Witherspoon tonight?” “Oh, Mr. Witherspoon, I’d love to!”
“Good! Then YOU get up and shut the window!”
